My Thoughts
by Lawrence Engels II

If your brain doesn't act the same as mine,
you simply don't understand
what I go through on a day-to-day basis.
I can't blame you; it's not your fault.
As stressful as this is,
that's my way of life.

I have never had the ability
to shut off my mind.
To sleep I need to
drown my thoughts.
I can't even read in silence.

Past conversations
are constantly on replay
and previous mistakes dwell forever.
Branching seeds of what
I want to happen and/or say cause anxiety.

This isn't new to me,
but the physical manifestations are.
Panic attacks are a whole new sensation.
I simply didn't understand
how difficult they were to control.
It's terrifying.
Is this just another speed bump
on my new path through life?

There aren't many of you I have confided to
about this new pain.
Luckily, for now it's gone …
but I know it can happen again.
Considering how chaotically my thoughts
flow through my head,
the fear will never completely go away.

I want to know though,
how can you turn your brain off?
Is it even possible for me?
I wonder if I will ever get an answer,
but that's okay. Really, it's okay.